Memorial Day

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Reagan on Baseball

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
.

.

.

• IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

• IF YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

• IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

• IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

• IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

• IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
  

. . . SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!






YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FRICKING HOUSE !

Beer

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam; after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Two or Four?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and he was fitted for new hearing aids, that allowed
him to hear 100%

He went back to the doctor in a month and the doctor said, "You're hearing
is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will 3 times !!"
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Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are just fine."

"After all this time," she said, "do they have names?"

"Yes ma'am," the doctor replied. "Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what did he name them?"

"The girl is Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother said, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge
to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly
help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives
me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Speech Time

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the? names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."


Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America . Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

"Hulkin Homer"

Having A Bad Day

This is from the Worth1000 site, and it's great photoshop, wow:

"Sometimes you can be too engrossed in your work."

Lightning Rod (themepost) by dollyllama

The rule for the contest were:

In this contest you should photoshop a scene of a person experiencing a nasty bit of unluck. Why? Because I've had a really really bad day and only the extreme misery of others can cheer me up right now. Your image can range from a final photo to something less fatal, but just as tragic.



The rules of this game are thus: Create an image showing someone about to experience bad luck. It is preferable that the scene be from the point of view of the victim (meaning the victim is not in the picture), but it can feature the victim. As always, quality is a must. We'll remove poor quality entries no matter how much we like you. You'll have 48 hours for this contest, so make your submission count.

How Does Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Rate?

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 83%

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is Very High You've spent a lot of time introspecting, and it's really paid off. You are comfortable with who you are, and you have a life philosophy that you are happy to live by. And you're always re-evaluating what you believe. Because you learn something new about yourself each day!

How Does Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Rate?

Joke Time

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Dave explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fight being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main
groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in de fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."
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Two football players are taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not be allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

The first player is stumped. He has no idea of the answer, but he knows he has to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor was not watching, he taps his fellow player on the shoulder: "Pssst, what is the answer to the last question?"

The other football player laughs. After making sure the professor had not noticed he whispers back: "You are so stupid. Everyone knows Old Macdonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," says the first player, "I remember now." He picks up his No. 2 pencil and starts to write the answer in the blank -- but then he stopped. "Hey," he whispers, "how do you spell farm?"

"Geez, you really are dumb," whispers back the other player. That is so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

"Don't let the Door Hit you in the Ass on the Way Out"

One of the Mud-Ohio boys has passed this along:

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.



"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another Islamic law that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.



Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.



Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."



"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia." "However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." "This idea of Australia being a multi-cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom"



"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society .. Learn the language!"
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."
"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others.
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,
'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."



"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

R.I.P. J. Falwell

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And then there's this one:

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And another:

Peanuts, Smokes, and Voices

A guy walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer and lit up a smoke, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie". Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt". Now the guy is getting nervous so he goes to the cigarette machine and starts feeding in money. From the machine comes a voice:

• "Hey dickhead...whaddya think you're doing?"
  
• "You probably drive a Volvo station wagon!"
• "Did you're mama dress you like that?"
• "What are you-some kind of pussy?"
• "I suppose you tell clown jokes?""Why don't you drink a real beer . . . ass-wipe?"
  

Not believing what he is hearing the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, then all of a sudden I hear a voice busting my ass, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"1st It was the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary"

"Yeah, but what about the 2nd voice?"

"Oh man that cigarette machine is out of order"

Fishing Time:

DEEP THOUGHTS BY REDNECKS WHILE FISHING

Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

.

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More on fishing:

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

.
Meanwhile: Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cu ss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply mo re kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

More "humor" from the Gang

"The Alamo"
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davie turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we pouring concrete today?"
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"Kentucky Inn"

What differentiates a Kentucky hotel from those in other states ?

When you call the front desk of a Kentucky hotel and say , "I've gotta leak in my sink ," the clerk says ,"Go ahead ."
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They've resorted to recycling old jokes . . . . .
"Headache what headache?"

A guy is out with buddies, has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky, but being a true and noble husband to his wife . . . . he goes home.

Finding her in bed reading a book he comes up with a plan. Off to the bathroom he goes returning to the bedroom with two aspirin and a glass of water.

She sees him come into the room carrying something and ask what he has.

He says, "Two aspirin, and a glass of water for your headache."

"BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

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p.s. As you can see A.S. really got a kick out of these.

It's May 7th

A guy walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer and lit up a smoke, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
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"My Daddy always told me if you hang around with smart people, some smart will rub off on you, and if you hang around with dumb people, some dumb will rub off on you, but if you hang around with rich people, you will go broke picking up dinner tabs." -Tommy Earl Bruner, in Dan Jenkin's classic Baja Oklahoma

In Boston, they ask, how much does he know? In New York, what is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents? -Mark Twain

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn. -Henry David Thoreau

Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. -Robert A. Heinlein

I have all the money I will ever need...as long as I die before 4 o'clock. -Henny Youngman

Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -Mark Twain

Powered by ScribeFire.

Alcohol Consumption (2001)

Cartograms-changing the map to have it reflect the consumption of the product, or some sort of demographics and the ratio out the World map. From the site;

Here are images and more details on some of the most fascinating.The cartograms were produced in a unique collaboration between the universities of Michigan in the U.S. and Sheffield.

Above is the cartogram of the consumption of alcohol across the World, for the site:

The average Western European drinks over a third more alcohol than the average person in any other area on earth. In some places there is practically no alcohol consumption, which is why many Middle Eastern countries are not visible on this map.

Ugandans drink the most alcohol per adult, closely followed by Luxembourg, the Czech Republic and Ireland.

The map shows the proportion of worldwide alcohol drunk in 2001. It does not take population density into account, so some countries, such as Australia, are unexpectedly shrivelled, while Britain is particularly bloated even though we not in the top ten.

More interesting Cartograms at this site. Worth a look.

Sportsmans Double

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57.

We had a drink...danced once or twice....then she asked if I had ever had a sportsman's double: A mother and daughter at the same time.

When I said no...she informed that that it was my lucky night...so we went to her place.

We went into her house....she kicked off her shoes and yelled up the stairs...

"HEY MOM! . . .You STILL AWAKE?!?!?!?"

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Speaking of sportsman's double:

I came out the club last night and there was a policewoman standing leaning against the police car in the car park.

She shouted across to me 'You're staggering'

I replied back . . . "You're not bad looking yourself darling!''

Donation Time

An IRS agent goes into a church looking for the minister. "Reverend," he asks, "Do you know a Mr. Sam Johnson?"

"Yes, I do," says the minister.

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"Yes, he is."

"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the church that he claims on his tax return?"

"I can assure you that he will."

Exam, Texas Style . . .

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,

"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities
such as Scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde

and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo

in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?

Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face!

Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde

and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . .

" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did.

This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."