"Nice pigs, Sir."The President replies:
"These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes,
"Excellent trade, Sir."
___________________________________________________________________ A University of Michigan football player had suffered an injury and went to the team's physician. When asked what was the matter the player said, "Doc, I hurt all over!" Not believing this the doctor asked the player to show him where. The player touched his knee and said it hurt, he touched his side near his kidney and gave a groan, he touched his forehead and said it was painful, he touched his chest and gave a yelp because it was such a sharp pain! The doctor thought for a minute and then said, well young man...you are suffering from what we physicians refer to as a broken finger. |
Okay . . . here is the story from the Galway paper:
Another one from the bums:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
Still, she goes on to the . . .
.
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.So, that's what they decided to do.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
I swore I would never pass along something like this, but this did touch my heart:
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A man was at his country club for a round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform is wife where he was and that he would be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best round of golf ever. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant......then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?
I hope you're proud of yourself. While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It is just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last. For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you will be her care giver.
The man was feeling guilty he broke down and sobbed, the doctor snickered and said, Hey, I'm just pulling your leg, you don't need to take care of her, she's dead. So, what did you shoot???
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Q. ) If the dove is the bird of peace , what is the bird of true love ? A. ) The swallow .
Q. ) Why is divorce so expensive ? A. ) Because it's worth it 
Q. ) What do Christmas trees and preists have in common ? A.) Their balls are just for decoration
[fine job]
