Expendables Kill List

By the numbers


Via: Term Life Insurance

Kelly

"What the hell happened to you?!" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch with an arm in a sling.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? he's just a wee fellow," the bartender said.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said.

"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Economy 101

21 Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Looking Happy, and Old

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied . . .

. . . Ghosts? I said Ghosts?

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the belief in ghosts. He asks his students how many believed in ghosts. About 80 of his students raised their hands.

That's a good start.

How many of you who believe in ghosts have actually seen one? About 30 students raised their hands.

That's good, I'm really glad you are taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

About a dozen students raised their hands.

That's a great response, has anyone ever touched a ghost?

Two students raised their hands.

That's fantastic! but let me ask one more question...have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back of the class raised his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has actually claimed to have slept with a ghost, why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a grin and begins to make his way to the podium. The professor says, "well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "ghosts? oh... I thought you said goats!"

A Modern Tale

Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

1. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
   
2. you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
   
3. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; a
4. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

"Now give me back my dog."

Potentially vs. Realistically

The Story:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

Questioning:

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Pondering

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied,

'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But . . . . .

'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

Drink up Now

Today we celebrate all things Irish, and we thank God for . . .

Guinness

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes and here is $250,000"

"Holy moses! Where did you get all this money!" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....I told you father, I became a prostitute! Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

____________________________________________________________________

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

____________________________________________________________________

On the first Thursday of the month at 830pm a man walks into the pub in Dublin.

He orders three pints and proceeds to drink them slowly. One drink at a time from each glass until all are empty.

Next month first Thursday he does the same thing. As the barkeep is pourning he suggests ordering the beer one at at time to preserve the freshness.

The man pulls out his wallet and shows the barkeep a picture of three men. He tells the barkeep that the man on the left is his younger brother who left Ireland for the US two years ago to try and make his fortune. The man on the right is his older brother who joined the service and is "away". They made a pact to go to whatever pub/bar in their area on the first Thursday of every month at 830 pm (their time) and have a commerative round "together"

Well this continues for some time until one day the man comes up to the bar, the barkeep asks if he will have the usual. The man tells the barkeep to only pour two pints.

The place goes quiet, the barkeep gives him his beers and says sincerely "I think I know what this means, son, I sympathize your loss"

The man looks at the barkeep, laughs and says no, he and his brothers are all fine, its just the Lent season and he gave up alcohol.

Laws in the 21st ca.

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner .

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act .

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers .

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire .

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time) .

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings .

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with .

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will .

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach .

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last .

The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold .

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers .

Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug .

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about .

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly .

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it .

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better . Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick .

Craig . . . Here

9 at a Time

1. Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

2. Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

3. Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

4. Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

5. Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

6. Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

7. Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

8. Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

9. Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,'
the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Christian Bale works ATC

I didn't realize he had a 2nd job as a Air Traffic Controller


Courtesy of Bob and Tom

Wiring Help Needed

Hey, I need some help with my neighbor's system, it seems I can't get it to work just right.


This is something that is near and dear to my heart....can you help?


Your Technical skills are Required, here's a wiring diagram, plus . . . one more thing.



So . . . if any of you electronic gurus know how to connect a surround sound, DVD/VCR please let me know ASAP(or sorta take your time) but let me know, ah, er, because . . . .

The wife is really getting after me because I am spending too much time over at the neighbors working on trying to hook it up.

I'm sending along a photo of the situation so you can take a look at the set-up for yourself.

Maybe you can help, maybe you can't

.

.

.

.

.

Wishing Hawaii

A Garden Story

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden' she said.

Unbearable

AAA's

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse.
In over twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came
over me.
On my honor as a nurse , I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Another old geezer joke

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

He's Down

Subject: Husband Down

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

A Fairy Tale

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

The guy proceeded to live happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END