Time for some Risotto

- Cost of a bowl of soup, glory muffins and mushroom risotto at homeless shelter: $0.00 dollars

- Having Michelle Obama serve you your meal: $0.00 dollars

- Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving government-funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using their $500 BlackBerry cell phone: Priceless

Swine Flu update

This chart explains the issues behind the difficulty in finding those carriers of Swine Flu.

Nice Trade

President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies:

"These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes,
and says:

"Excellent trade, Sir."

545 People

Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years.

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes..

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red .

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

A Modern Tale

Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

1. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
   
2. you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
   
3. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; a
4. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

"Now give me back my dog."

Lincoln vs. Obama

Comparing Presidents

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
   
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
   
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
   
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
   
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.
   
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Following Hope/Change

Interestin'

Uh, errr, . . . I got nuthin'


And just because I've been thinking about Spring and gettin' close to grilling season:

Let 'em Do It

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Or 39 reasons to blow yourself all to hell.

Let us examine the lifestyle of these filthy slimeball dog-haters

1. No Jesus
2. No Christmas
3. No Easter Bunny
4. No Spring Break
5. No cheerleaders
6. No strippers
7. No television
8. No Nude Women
9. Heck, no SI Women
10. No car races
11. No Nascar!
12. No Danica Patrick
13. No football
14. No NFL network
15. No frakin' BSG
    
16. No soccer
17. No pork BBQ
18. No Bacon
19. No hot dogs
20. No burgers
21. No chocolate chip cookies
22. No lobster
23. No nachos
24. No Beer nuts
25. No Beer !!!!!!!!
26. No riding mower
27. No picnics
    
28. No Mescal
29. No belly shots
30. Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
31. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
32. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
33. More than one wife!!!
34. You can't shave.
35. Your wives can't shave!!!!
36. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
37. Your bride is picked by someone else
38. She smells just like your donkey.
39. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Wouldn't you blow the shit out of yourself!?!?!?

Matter of fact, maybe we can help them blow themselves all to hell.

Your Gov't Laboratory at Work

New Element

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

LET'S DUMP 'EM ALL!!!

Wishing Hawaii

"Servicing"

I was confused when I heard the word 'service'

Used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
And one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those
Agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

Unbearable

Patriots in Iraq

A great read about our soldiers in Iraq, a great read . . . .

"I recently attended a showing of "Superman 3" here at LSA Anaconda.

We have a large auditorioum we use for movies as well as memorial services
and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and
snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.

All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the
National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in
the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude
comments, and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here, the 1,000 Soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed &
forward. The music started again. The Soldiers continued to quietly stand at
attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you
expect to happen? Even here I would imagine laughter as everyone sat down and expected the movie to start.

Here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every Soldier stood at attention.
Suddenly there was a lone voice, then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand Soldiers

'And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?'

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to
know what kind of Soldiers are serving you here.

Written by Chapl ain Ji m Higgins on 5/14/07. LSA Anaconda is at the
Balad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad"

__________________________________________________

Whether you agree or dis-agree, these are great men and women, speaking of . . .

Promises

3 More jokes

Woodpeckers:

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

___________________________________________________________________

RV Fun:

A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"


Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"

_________________________________________________________________________

The ol' farm joke:

A farmer down in South Georgia , had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
“How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass in the morning, they’re pregnant, if they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn’t get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour , but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable> GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Oil and Dipsticks

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

_______________________________________________

.
.
.
Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in Washington,DC !!!



Any Questions ???
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by the "Lord of the Sun"

Memorial Day

____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Speech Time

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the? names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."


Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America . Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.