Friday, March 30, 2007

More from Little Johnny


Little johnny's on the loose:
The sex-ed teacher draws a picture of a penis on the board and asks the class ,"Can anyone tell me what this is ?"
Johnny stands up and says ,"I know what it is . It's a penis . I know 'cause my daddy has two of them ."
The teacher is a little surprised . "Two of them ? Johnny , are you sure about that ?"
"For sure I'm sure ! He uses the little one to pee with and he uses the big one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth with ."


The little bastard is still on the loose:
Little Johnny was sitting in his 5th grade classroom when he noticed a dog mounting another dog out on the playground.
Johnny immediately went to the teacher at the front of the class and said “Sister, what are those two dogs doing?”
Thinking fast the nun replied “Well Johnny, it looks like one of the dogs has hurt his leg and the other is helping him get home”
Johnny looked out the window again then looked back at the teacher and said “Sister isn’t that just the way it is – try to give a guy a hand and end up getting fucked in the ass!”

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Time for some Bubba humor

Yankee jokes will be accepted and displayed in an equal time opportunity, basis, etc.




Kentucky:
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


You gotta love those Kentucky women.

********************************************************
Alabama :

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, Will, one of the visiting hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joe?" the others asked..


" Joe had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," Will replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

" A tough call," he nodded. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"


**********************************************************************
Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


****************************************************************
Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"


Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

****************************************************************

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

****************************************************************

North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the

road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. he man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"


The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

********************************************************

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!!!

Another Day, March 29th


Joke Time:

God finds a man whose faith is unparalleled and grants him one wish .
"Build me a bridge to Hawaii," says the man. "So I can drive over anytime."

God says:
"Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking . The supports to reach the bottom of the Pacific . The concrete and steel it would take . I can do this , of course , but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things . Take a little time and think of another wish , a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thinks for a while and says ,"I wish I could understand women".

God replies, "You want two lanes or four"?

Not enough? How about another?

Sam gets a parrot for his birthday . It has a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary . Every other word is a swear word.

Sam tries to change the bird's behavior with polite words and soft music , but nothing works . Out of desperation , he throws the bird in the freezer .

It squawks , kicks , screams , then falls silent . Sam , worried , swings the freezer door open .

The parrot calmly steps out and says:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions . I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior ."

Sam is astonished at the change in the bird's attitude and is about to ask what caused it when the
parrot continues , . . . ."May I ask what the chicken did ?"

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

"rimshot"




One from the gang:

3 boys in a schoolyard are bragging about their fathers .
Billy : "Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper , calls it a poem , and they give him $50."
Bobby : "Oh , yeah ? My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper , calls it a song , and they give him $100 ."
Ricky : "I got you both beat . My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper , calls it a sermon , and it takes eight people to collect the money !"




And another from that worthless bunch:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, . . . ."
Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?!?!?!?!?!"

This one sucks, but AS thought it was funny enough to pass along:

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said:"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?"she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, . . . . .. "Mission accomplished."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

So, what's he thinking?



Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' beer, when out of the blue Sven comments, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole takes a sip of beer and says, "You better think that over. Women like that are hard to find."

And here's another Golf joke from one of the scum-bums:

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."


Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf ' ....... and she said, "Take a sweater with you..."

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Nice Shot: 4

Q.) Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex ? A.) They paint an "X" an the back of sheep that kick .

Q.) What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common ? A.) They both like a tight seal .

Q.) Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms ? A.) For traction in the mud .

Q.) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife ? A.) 45 pounds .

Q.) What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball ? A.) Guys will actually try to find a golf ball .

hot babe

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

The jokes are from the lame-ass Mud-Ohio Gang of 6, the babe . . . . . that's my contribution.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Not the Usual Car

From the Jalopnik site:
My dream of scoring a cherry Simca Vedette with Ford Cammer 427 power has been brushed aside. Obliterated, actually. All it took was one glance at this nicely restored '63 Amphicar on eBay. With an Amphicar, you drive to the beach... and then keep going into the water! Hot damn! Of course, there's the somewhat troubling issue of that $45,000 high bid, with reserve not yet met. Hmm, what's a kidney worth?

Then there's this unusual 4-wheel drive vehicle, not your everyday beater for the usual commute through the suburbs:

From the Jalopnik site:
We've all seen plenty of hyper-redneck 4x4 conversions, in which some overall-wearing gentlemen from Butcher Holler (or Fontana) plop a car body on a truck chassis and roar off to the nearest mudhole and/or rock formation. Brian Roth's 4x4 Volvo, on the other hand, is all about the science; Roth wanted a wagon that could negotiate his steep driveway during Sierra Nevada winters and he wanted it cheap and reliable. So he took a GM 3.8 V6/700R4 combo, a Dana 30 front axle out of a Cherokee, and some impressive fabrication skills and cooked up this sensible 4x4 '75 Volvo 245 (to add to a stable that boasts a turbo Ford 2.3-motivated 914, a 4x4 Mercedes 300TD, and a 4x4 '74 Civic).

Time to go Shopping

women shopping
The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

beer gut2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

susan swanStill, she goes on to the . . .

5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the streetjane russell.

1st floor has wives that love sex.

2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Tax Lessons 101


Beer can make life’s problems so simple.

Here's another variation...

It is tax time again, and just so you understand, be sure to read all the way through to the end.

Tax system:

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until on day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.


"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,
too. It's unfair that he got TEN times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the
bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

Nice Shot: 3

Chimps with Kung Fu




Friday, March 9, 2007

Captain America cannot be Dead


[above image found here]
captain america
[above image found here]
captain america
captain america
[This image found courtesy of Spoilit]

Nice shot:



An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Damn . . .

thong
thong
thong
thong
thong
There are thongs, and then there are thongs, nice competition.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Chicks with Guns (2)

girl with gun
chinese girl with gun
chinese female cop with gun

NBA or the NFL, who is it . . . ?






NBA OR NFL?






  • 36 have been accused of spousal abuse
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
  • 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
  • 3 have done time for assault
  • 71 . . . repeat, 71 . . .cannot get a credit card . . . due to bad credit
  • 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
  • 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
  • 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year!!

Can you guess which organization this is?

The NBA or NFL ?????

Give up yet . . .

Scroll down . . .



























































Neither . . . . . . . . . .






US Capitol



It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.