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Life's Explanations. . .

West Texas:

A Texas circuit rider preacher was making his rounds and as he made his way through the Pecos country he came up on a cowboy chasing a goat.

As he watched, the cowboy caught the goat and holding it by the rear legs, slides off his chaps and britches and had himself a bit of goat quivers.

The preacher was appalled and rushed into town to alert the sheriff.

When he got to town he tried the sheriff's office to find nobody home. He then went across the street to the saloon to see who he could find.

First thing he sees when he goes through the door is an old man, sitting at the first table sipping a whiskey and jacking off.

The preacher is spittin' mad. He charges up to the sheriff who's leaning at the bar
nursing a beer, and says "What kind of a place is this?!! First I see a cowboy having beastial sex in broad daylight in front of god and everybody, then I come in here and find this old coot committing self abuse in public! Aren't you gonna do something about this sickness in your community?!!"

The sheriff took a swig of his beer and said "Well, hell boy! You don't expect an old man like that to have the speed to catch a goat, do you?"
_____________________________________________________________________

Life is Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Robert Earl Keene

Cowboy Stuff

Cowboy's:

Three men strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Calgary, while
awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian, another is a cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student.

Their
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation
falls into an uneasy lull.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly says, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few and now we are many,' he sneers. 'Why do you suppose that is?'

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin'.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well,
I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch
TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over acold beer.

After
a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,"If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while youwere off fishing, and she got
pregnant and had a baby, would thatmake us related?"

"The Kiwi
crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,and squinted
his eyes thinking real hard about the question.


Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and

orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip

out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar

and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat

after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas ,

we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank

together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for

myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take

notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second

round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I

wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his

eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and

I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Monty Python: Job Interview

Go here to see over 100 Monty Python vide's

Les Miles as Godzilla

What's a Billion?

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1970.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Squrrel, they are persistient.

[He Deserved it.]

Photo found on Flickr-here.

Cats, Rove, and Redheads . . .

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church in NW Washington as part of his campaign to restore his 28% approval rating in the polls.

Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the President's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and the VA Hospitals. But, we'll make a $500,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church could really use the money - I'll do it."

The following Sunday, President Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to all of you this morning about our President, George Bush. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated nation on earth.

"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome Scandal. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from the religious right. 'He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known. But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "

No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that
was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the
glass without spilling a drop .

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What
can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk
... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he
injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went
home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi!

[ Thanks to Theo Spark ]

Thanksgiving

Here's One:

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
______________________________________________________________________________________

Here's another:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!
______________________________________________________________________________________

And Finally:

'Now there's another thing I want you to remember.
I don't want to get any messages saying that "we are holding our position." We're not holding anything.
Let the Hun do that.
We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy.
We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're going to go through him like shit through a goose!'
---George Patton

32 Hours and 7 Minutes

[ Alex Roy and his BMW M5 ]

See 'em Coming

You can see the punchlines coming . . . so I added some visuals

The Italian Wedding Anniversary:

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience 'Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a da money on her, but, da best is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary...'
Luigi proudly replied,

'I'm-a gonna go and-a get her.'

______________________________________________________________________

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a gin and tonic along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me, again, after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I have to work so hard?"

And I heard the reply. "Working hard is good for both your soul and your body. It allows you to earn money that feeds your family, gives them shelter, and clothes them well."

I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was, "No. The love of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool: it can be used for doing good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.

"Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. When I have more time, I would love to chat with you some more, Senor - but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

---

ha ha

Definition of a Brave Man:

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty.

_________________________________________________________________________________

The Assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

The Teacher speaks up, "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey othe way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."
_____________________________________________________________


Houston or Bust

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE"

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

Bike Hart

[Congratulations Mike, really gonna miss you, and Chad, and Lloyd. ]

Michigan's pwned

__________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you call a Michigander who practices birth control?
A: A humanitarian.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman in Michigan?
A: A tourist.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Michigan?
A: They lost the recipe.

Q: What do you call a Michigander with a degree?
A: A liar.

Q: Do you know why Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 40 players?
A: The rest know how to dress themselves.

The Game, more stuff

More on tOSU vs scUM

___________________________________________________________________

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the
seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?”

The man replied, “No, they’re all at the funeral.

__________________________________________________________________

The Many faces of Mike Hart

___________________________________________________________________________

Q: Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A: To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

Q: Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
A: There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.

Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.

Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.

Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.

Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.

Q: How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning??
A: Take your foot off of their head."

________________________________________________________________________________

[ Here's to ya' scUMmers ! ! ! ]

___________________________________________________________________ A University of Michigan football player had suffered an injury and went to the team's physician. When asked what was the matter the player said, "Doc, I hurt all over!" Not believing this the doctor asked the player to show him where. The player touched his knee and said it hurt, he touched his side near his kidney and gave a groan, he touched his forehead and said it was painful, he touched his chest and gave a yelp because it was such a sharp pain! The doctor thought for a minute and then said, well young man...you are suffering from what we physicians refer to as a broken finger.

_________________________________________________________________

Another from A.S.

[ I don't think wiping is necessary. ]

Well the researchers have found some new information that women should look at.

Perscription Time

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

800 Hundred Bucks

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

Walking Eagle

Two weeks ago, in upstate New York, Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Thanks Grandma

Grandma's Advice

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Golf balls and French Women.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, obviously thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow or frozen shoulder?"
___________________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________________

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war- weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down?I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

_________________________________________________________________

Gaylord Perry

In the early 60's, pitcher Gaylord Perry was asked if he had ever had a home run. He replied that "Men will walk on the moon before I ever hit a homer"

On the day that Niel Armstrong first stepped on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only home run of his professional career...

3 'fer

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
____________________________________________________________________

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

_____________________________________________________________

.. An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

The talking Dog

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

$50.00 bucks

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
.. .. .. "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two ! Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00"

Coincidence, . . . . or not? (2)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs. "


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

Anger mgmt.

One day the wife and I were discussing anger management.

And I asked her, ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’

She said, ‘I clean the toilet bowl.’

I asked, ‘How does that help?’

She said, ‘I use your toothbrush'

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yeah

Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.”

“None,” replied Johnny, “‘cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you are thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
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I Saved the Ship

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. Met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino - did OK ... won about $80. The captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to spend the night with him and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today...Twice.

Dave Knows Everyone

Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go

upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

George Orwell had it right

[From Military Motivator]

Joketime, again . . .

Subject: Drinking with a Redneck Girl:

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.

"The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America

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A pig with three medals around his neck and a peg leg is seated at the dinner table with a farmer, his family and a guest . Intrigued, the guest asks about the animal .

"He's special," the farmer says .

"The first medal is from when he swam to save our youngest son from drowning . The second is from when he pulled our daughter from a burning barn . And the third is for pushing our other son out of the way of a combine ."

"Wow," the guest says . "That explains the medals , but what about the peg leg ?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig like that - you just hate to eat him all at once ."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fookin dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to The pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another ardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fookin hengliding!"

Bill responds

From the guy up North:

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

"I'll kill you! You@#$!&&*%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone would en joy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies,

"Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch".

CTS-------- Solution

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Solution

Carpal tunnel syndrome has become a scourge among today's active and computer literate population. Men, especially, are becoming afflicted with this serious health problem.

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.

Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.

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A.S. sounds off . . .

[A.S. says; "toothpaste . . . why bother ]

Patriots in Iraq

A great read about our soldiers in Iraq, a great read . . . .

"I recently attended a showing of "Superman 3" here at LSA Anaconda.

We have a large auditorioum we use for movies as well as memorial services
and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and
snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.

All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the
National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in
the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude
comments, and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here, the 1,000 Soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed &
forward. The music started again. The Soldiers continued to quietly stand at
attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you
expect to happen? Even here I would imagine laughter as everyone sat down and expected the movie to start.

Here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every Soldier stood at attention.
Suddenly there was a lone voice, then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand Soldiers

'And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?'

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to
know what kind of Soldiers are serving you here.

Written by Chapl ain Ji m Higgins on 5/14/07. LSA Anaconda is at the
Balad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad"

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Whether you agree or dis-agree, these are great men and women, speaking of . . .

Just Because . . .

[A.S. says; "I don't think wipin' is necessary . . ." ]