It's May 7th

A guy walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer and lit up a smoke, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
____________________________________________________________________________________
"My Daddy always told me if you hang around with smart people, some smart will rub off on you, and if you hang around with dumb people, some dumb will rub off on you, but if you hang around with rich people, you will go broke picking up dinner tabs." -Tommy Earl Bruner, in Dan Jenkin's classic Baja Oklahoma

In Boston, they ask, how much does he know? In New York, what is he worth? In Philadelphia, who were his parents? -Mark Twain

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn. -Henry David Thoreau

Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. -Robert A. Heinlein

I have all the money I will ever need...as long as I die before 4 o'clock. -Henny Youngman

Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -Mark Twain

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Alcohol Consumption (2001)

Cartograms-changing the map to have it reflect the consumption of the product, or some sort of demographics and the ratio out the World map. From the site;

Here are images and more details on some of the most fascinating.The cartograms were produced in a unique collaboration between the universities of Michigan in the U.S. and Sheffield.

Above is the cartogram of the consumption of alcohol across the World, for the site:

The average Western European drinks over a third more alcohol than the average person in any other area on earth. In some places there is practically no alcohol consumption, which is why many Middle Eastern countries are not visible on this map.

Ugandans drink the most alcohol per adult, closely followed by Luxembourg, the Czech Republic and Ireland.

The map shows the proportion of worldwide alcohol drunk in 2001. It does not take population density into account, so some countries, such as Australia, are unexpectedly shrivelled, while Britain is particularly bloated even though we not in the top ten.

More interesting Cartograms at this site. Worth a look.

Sportsmans Double

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57.

We had a drink...danced once or twice....then she asked if I had ever had a sportsman's double: A mother and daughter at the same time.

When I said no...she informed that that it was my lucky night...so we went to her place.

We went into her house....she kicked off her shoes and yelled up the stairs...

"HEY MOM! . . .You STILL AWAKE?!?!?!?"

______________________________________________________
Speaking of sportsman's double:

I came out the club last night and there was a policewoman standing leaning against the police car in the car park.

She shouted across to me 'You're staggering'

I replied back . . . "You're not bad looking yourself darling!''

Donation Time

An IRS agent goes into a church looking for the minister. "Reverend," he asks, "Do you know a Mr. Sam Johnson?"

"Yes, I do," says the minister.

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"Yes, he is."

"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the church that he claims on his tax return?"

"I can assure you that he will."

Exam, Texas Style . . .

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,

"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities
such as Scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde

and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo

in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?

Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face!

Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde

and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . .

" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did.

This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

This dude is weird

Okay . . . here is the story from the Galway paper:

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.

and more:

“Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

But there is a line at the end of the story that is really weird shit, I mean do they really need this:

He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837.

Cemetery in HDR

This photo was sent to me so I do not know who to thank.

Nice Shot: 5

Another one from the bums:
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"

3 More

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Our Favorite Sport

The Gang of 6 has decided after very little argument that their favorite spectator sport is Women's beach Volleyball. As you can see above there are obvious reasons for this. Like the way teams are identified.












We are very impressed by the cheerleading squads that show up at some of the International events. Like this squad at an event in Switzerland, or somewhere like that. We didn't know there were beaches in Switzerland, but that's O.K.












We like the "ready for play" position of the players.













Another shot of the Gang of 6's favorite international team, the Brasilian Women. They all seem to have the appropriate assets for the sport. Here's to the finest sport on the planet. We just don't understand why it isn't more popular.

Bad Parking:

Speaking of Vintage

Here's a nice vintage model:
___________________________________________

A priest is pulled over for speeding . The trooper sees an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat and asks , "Father , have you been drinking ?"

" Just water ," replies the priest .

The trooper asks ," Then why do I smell wine on your breath ?"

The priest grabs the bottle , sniffs it , and says " Oh Lord ! He's done it again !

U.S.S. Ronald Reagen:

[Flyby over the USS Ronald Reagen]

"Four good leads"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap .

The psychiatrist says , "Well , I can clearly see your nuts ."
__________________________________________________________

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in his chair on his front porch .

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she says."What's your secret ?"

"I smoke three packs a day , drink two bottles of Jack , at least a case of beer , eat nothing but fatty foods , and never , ever exercise ."

"Wow , that's amazing ," she says , "How old are you ?"

"Twenty-six
_________________________________________________________

I have saved the best for last, hey, what can I say . . .. I work with the material they send me!

Tommy Shaugnessy enters the confessional box and says , "Bless me , Father , for I have sinned . I have been with a loose woman ."

The priest asks , "Is that you again , Tommy ?"

"Yes Father it is ."

"And who is the woman you were with ? Was it Brenda O'Malley ?"

Tommy replies ,"I can not say ."

The priest pries a bit further , "Patricia Kelly ? Liz Quinn ?
Or was it Maggie Leonard ?"

"I'm sorry . I will not name her ."

The priest sighs with frustration . "You're a steadfast lad Tommy . And I can respect that , but you must atone ."

Tommy walks back to his pew . His friend Sean slides over and whispers , "What did you get ?"

"Four good leads ," says Tommy .

Another prize winner

John O'Reilly Blackbeard hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Interesting picture . . .

Wow . . . there's a shot you don't see everyday, some amazing stuff. Not only did the guy live and they re-attached his arm, the croc lived.

Here's the story:

Surgeons have reattached a Taiwanese vet's forearm after a 200-kilogram Nile crocodile chomped it off.



The male crocodile severed Chang Po-yu's forearm at the Shaoshan Zoo in the southern city of Kaohsiung when he tried to retrieve a tranquilliser dart from the reptile's hide so he could give it medication, zoo officials said.



The Liberty Times newspaper said Dr Chang failed to notice that the crocodile was not fully anaesthetised when he stuck his arm through an iron rail to medicate it.



A zoo worker shot the crocodile twice in the neck so colleagues could retrieve the arm.



It was reattached yesterday in an operation that lasted for seven hours.



"The crocodile was unharmed, as we didn't find any bullet holes on its hide," zoo official Chen Potsun said.



"It probably was shocked and opened its mouth to let go of the limb."



The 17-year-old reptile is one of a pair of Nile crocodiles kept by the zoo. Known as a man-eater because of its voracious nature, the Nile crocodile is listed as an endangered species, and is rapidly disappearing from its native African habitat.



Mr Chen said the zoo bought the crocodile 10 years ago from a local resident who had kept it as a pet.

The photo is from Reuters and here's a link to the page the story is on . . .

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Speedskater drops skates, sorta'

Speedskater gets nude to promote her sport:

BOOTS AND ALL: Kiwi speedskating star Nicole Begg, of Timaru, has had nude photographs taken for overseas magazines and websites to lift her international profile and that of her sport.

I'd say we need to pay more attention to speedskating:

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GM Futurliner

[GM Futurliner]
















[Sold at Auction?]












[A 1973 Fascination, Special Display]

Some More Bad Jokes

3rd Man to walk on water;

The 1st one was Christ:

The 2nd one was Peter, the Apostle;

The 3rd one was this guy Jose;


Here's this:
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer ? . . . . . . . . . . His partner .

Another:
"Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and, as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

More:
On his last day of work , before retiring , a mailman is greeted by a beautiful young housewife who invites him in for breakfast.

After they eat she leads him up to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp . Afterward she gives him two dollars.

"Jeez," says the mailman ,"this is great , but what's with the two dollars?"
"Well . . . . since you're retiring , I asked my husband what we should do for you" .

He said . . . . . . . . . . . "Fuck him - give him a couple of bucks." . . .
"Breakfast was my idea ."


Had enough?
A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the airplane when the stranger turned to him and said, Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
What would you like to talk about?

Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. How about nuclear power?

OK, he said. That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?

The stranger thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.

To which the little Johnny replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shit?

Another mechanix joke

A penguin was driving across the desert toward Phoenix when suddenly his car quit running. With great effort he pushed it to the top of a grade and then coasted it into a small town. His luck was with him as the car rolled its last 50 feet into the town's only full service gas station/garage.

The mechanic greeted him and the penguin recounted what had happened. The mechanic was finishing up a job and told the stranded penguin that it would take an hour or two to check out the problem. Feeling hot and thirsty, the penguin asked if there was a place in to sit down, eat, and have a cold drink. The mechanic directed him to an establishment a block away.

Two hours later the penguin returned to the service station. The mechanic was under the hood of his car.
When he emerged, he looked at the penguin and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Taken aback, the penguin replied, "Oh . . . no, I just had an ice cream cone."