Dave Knows Everyone

Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go

upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

George Orwell had it right

[From Military Motivator]

Joketime, again . . .

Subject: Drinking with a Redneck Girl:

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.

"The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America

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A pig with three medals around his neck and a peg leg is seated at the dinner table with a farmer, his family and a guest . Intrigued, the guest asks about the animal .

"He's special," the farmer says .

"The first medal is from when he swam to save our youngest son from drowning . The second is from when he pulled our daughter from a burning barn . And the third is for pushing our other son out of the way of a combine ."

"Wow," the guest says . "That explains the medals , but what about the peg leg ?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig like that - you just hate to eat him all at once ."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fookin dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to The pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another ardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fookin hengliding!"

Bill responds

From the guy up North:

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

"I'll kill you! You@#$!&&*%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone would en joy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies,

"Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch".

CTS-------- Solution

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Solution

Carpal tunnel syndrome has become a scourge among today's active and computer literate population. Men, especially, are becoming afflicted with this serious health problem.

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.

Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.

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A.S. sounds off . . .

[A.S. says; "toothpaste . . . why bother ]

Patriots in Iraq

A great read about our soldiers in Iraq, a great read . . . .

"I recently attended a showing of "Superman 3" here at LSA Anaconda.

We have a large auditorioum we use for movies as well as memorial services
and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and
snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.

All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the
National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in
the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude
comments, and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here, the 1,000 Soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed &
forward. The music started again. The Soldiers continued to quietly stand at
attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you
expect to happen? Even here I would imagine laughter as everyone sat down and expected the movie to start.

Here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every Soldier stood at attention.
Suddenly there was a lone voice, then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand Soldiers

'And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?'

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to
know what kind of Soldiers are serving you here.

Written by Chapl ain Ji m Higgins on 5/14/07. LSA Anaconda is at the
Balad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad"

__________________________________________________

Whether you agree or dis-agree, these are great men and women, speaking of . . .

Just Because . . .

[A.S. says; "I don't think wipin' is necessary . . ." ]

Summer

[bikinis]

[volleyball]

[coolers]

[Jessica Biel]

[Parties]

Give her a Hand

4 More, for the record

Oh, is that so now . . . .
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman.

The first man says, “Watch this…” He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?”

The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”

And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying."
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Moonshine:
When an Arkansas moonshiner who had been convicted a number of times before was again brought into the court, the judge told him sternly: "Before passing sentence, I want to tell you that you and your sons have given this court more trouble than anyone else in the entire state of Arkansas. Have you anything to say?"

"Well, Judge," said the old fellow, "I just want to say that we haven't given you any more trouble than you've given us."
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What's he Worth?
Fresh out of business school, the young accountant is being interviewed by a very nervous man in charge of a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly, I am looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?"

"I worry about a lot of things," explains the man. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," says the young accountant. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars! How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," says the owner, "is your first worry."
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And Finally:
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 195 years old!"

Promises

3 More jokes

Woodpeckers:

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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RV Fun:

A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"


Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"

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The ol' farm joke:

A farmer down in South Georgia , had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
“How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass in the morning, they’re pregnant, if they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn’t get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

USRSF

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Alabama boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour , but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable> GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Pont Neuf Bridge in Toulouse, France.

This image has been sent in by "father of the sun"

Caption contest

[“Peter’s unusual physical attributes made him a hot prospect for the rural volunteer fire department”]

The Mind, Golfing, and Home Remedies

The Mind is Willing:

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
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Remedies that Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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Golfing With the Wife:

A man walked into the emergency room with a 9 iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor on duty says "Good Lord man! How did THAT happen?"

The man says "Well, my wife and I were out golfing when she sliced one into a cow pasture on the 7th hole. Being a considerate husband, I went to help her look for her ball. I'm stepping carefully around cow patties when I notice something white sticking out of a cows behind. I move closer and sure enough, it's a golf ball. That's when I made my mistake."

The doctor says "What was that?"

The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and said 'Honey, this one looks like yours!"

Oil and Dipsticks

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

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.
.
Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in Washington,DC !!!



Any Questions ???
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by the "Lord of the Sun"

1938 BUGATTI TYPE 57C ATALANTE COUPE

From the Japolink website:

Okay, not gonna lie, we're unabashed vintage Bugatti fans here at the Jalop. Given the era of their birth, they are invariably the fastest, most beautiful, most perfectly crafted and most utterly desirable cars in the collector's stratosphere. That said, at no time in history was an automaker so akin to an übermensch as was Bugatti during the 1930's. The storied Type 57 chassis was the fruit of experimentation by Jean Bugatti, the ill fated prodigal son. From this platform came some of the most beautiful cars of all time. This, lucky reader, is one of those cars. Stored since 1962, this 1938 Bugatti Type 57C Atalante Coupe, bodied by Gangloff of Colmar with Stelvio, is a masterpiece of craftsmanship and history. It will be offered for sale to the well-heeled public this coming June 3rd at the Greenwich Concours D'Elegance, with an expected haul of $300K-400K. (A mere pittance for art so rare.) Considering this automobile was 103,000 Francs when new, (we have no idea how that pans out with inflation due to Google failing at life) three to four hundred grand sounds like a steal. Needless to say, I wish that had been my barn. (Rear quarter shot after the leap.) – Ben Wojdyla

Now; what happened over the weekend:

0039 Lot details

1939 New York World's Fair French Pavilion displayed coachwork 1938 BUGATTI TYPE 57C ATALANTE COUPE Chassis No. 57766 Engine No. C57 Coachwork by Bugatti Two-tone black and yellow with beige lather interior Engine: 160bhp dual overhead camshaft inline

300,000 - 400,000 U.S. dollars

So the estimated price was . . . $300,000-$400,000 grand and the sales price was:

Lot39 . . . . . . . $852,500

The results page here . . .