The Mind, Golfing, and Home Remedies

The Mind is Willing:

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
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Remedies that Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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Golfing With the Wife:

A man walked into the emergency room with a 9 iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor on duty says "Good Lord man! How did THAT happen?"

The man says "Well, my wife and I were out golfing when she sliced one into a cow pasture on the 7th hole. Being a considerate husband, I went to help her look for her ball. I'm stepping carefully around cow patties when I notice something white sticking out of a cows behind. I move closer and sure enough, it's a golf ball. That's when I made my mistake."

The doctor says "What was that?"

The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and said 'Honey, this one looks like yours!"