Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Life's Explanations. . .
West Texas:
A Texas circuit rider preacher was making his rounds and as he made his way through the Pecos
country he came up on a cowboy chasing a goat.
As he watched, the cowboy caught the goat and holding it by the rear legs, slides off his chaps and britches and had himself a bit of goat quivers.
The preacher was appalled and rushed into town to alert the sheriff.
When he got to town he tried the sheriff's office to find nobody home. He then went across the street to the saloon to see who he could find.
First thing he sees when he goes through the door is an old man, sitting at the first table sipping a whiskey and jacking off.
The preacher is spittin' mad. He charges up to the sheriff who's leaning at the bar
nursing a beer, and says "What kind of a place is this?!! First I see a cowboy having beastial sex in broad daylight in front of god and everybody, then I come in here and find this old coot committing self abuse in public! Aren't you gonna do something about this sickness in your community?!!"
The sheriff took a swig of his beer and said "Well, hell boy! You don't expect an old man like that to have the speed to catch a goat, do you?"
_____________________________________________________________________
Life is Explained
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
A Texas circuit rider preacher was making his rounds and as he made his way through the Pecos
country he came up on a cowboy chasing a goat.As he watched, the cowboy caught the goat and holding it by the rear legs, slides off his chaps and britches and had himself a bit of goat quivers.
The preacher was appalled and rushed into town to alert the sheriff.
When he got to town he tried the sheriff's office to find nobody home. He then went across the street to the saloon to see who he could find.
First thing he sees when he goes through the door is an old man, sitting at the first table sipping a whiskey and jacking off.
The preacher is spittin' mad. He charges up to the sheriff who's leaning at the bar
nursing a beer, and says "What kind of a place is this?!! First I see a cowboy having beastial sex in broad daylight in front of god and everybody, then I come in here and find this old coot committing self abuse in public! Aren't you gonna do something about this sickness in your community?!!"
The sheriff took a swig of his beer and said "Well, hell boy! You don't expect an old man like that to have the speed to catch a goat, do you?"
_____________________________________________________________________
Life is Explained
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Cowboy Stuff
Cowboy's:
Three men strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Calgary, while
awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian, another is a cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student.
Their
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation
falls into an uneasy lull.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly says, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few and now we are many,' he sneers. 'Why do you suppose that is?'
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin'.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well,
I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch
TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over acold beer.
After
a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,"If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while youwere off fishing, and she got
pregnant and had a baby, would thatmake us related?"
"The Kiwi
crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,and squinted
his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas ,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Three men strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Calgary, while
awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian, another is a cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student.
Their
discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation
falls into an uneasy lull.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly says, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few and now we are many,' he sneers. 'Why do you suppose that is?'
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin'.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well,
I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch
TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over acold beer.
After
a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,"If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while youwere off fishing, and she got
pregnant and had a baby, would thatmake us related?"
"The Kiwi
crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,and squinted
his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas ,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
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