What's a Billion?

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1970.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Squrrel, they are persistient.

[He Deserved it.]

Photo found on Flickr-here.

Cats, Rove, and Redheads . . .

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church in NW Washington as part of his campaign to restore his 28% approval rating in the polls.

Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the President's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and the VA Hospitals. But, we'll make a $500,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church could really use the money - I'll do it."

The following Sunday, President Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to all of you this morning about our President, George Bush. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated nation on earth.

"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome Scandal. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from the religious right. 'He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known. But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

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A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor.

"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "

No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that
was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the
glass without spilling a drop .

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What
can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk
... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he
injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went
home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
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Hi!

[ Thanks to Theo Spark ]

Thanksgiving

Here's One:

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
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Here's another:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!
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And Finally:

'Now there's another thing I want you to remember.
I don't want to get any messages saying that "we are holding our position." We're not holding anything.
Let the Hun do that.
We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy.
We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're going to go through him like shit through a goose!'
---George Patton

32 Hours and 7 Minutes

[ Alex Roy and his BMW M5 ]

See 'em Coming

You can see the punchlines coming . . . so I added some visuals

The Italian Wedding Anniversary:

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience 'Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a da money on her, but, da best is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary...'
Luigi proudly replied,

'I'm-a gonna go and-a get her.'

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Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a gin and tonic along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me, again, after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I have to work so hard?"

And I heard the reply. "Working hard is good for both your soul and your body. It allows you to earn money that feeds your family, gives them shelter, and clothes them well."

I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was, "No. The love of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool: it can be used for doing good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.

"Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. When I have more time, I would love to chat with you some more, Senor - but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

---

ha ha

Definition of a Brave Man:

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty.

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The Assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

The Teacher speaks up, "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey othe way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."
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Houston or Bust

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE"

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

Bike Hart

[Congratulations Mike, really gonna miss you, and Chad, and Lloyd. ]

Michigan's pwned

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Q: What do you call a Michigander who practices birth control?
A: A humanitarian.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman in Michigan?
A: A tourist.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Michigan?
A: They lost the recipe.

Q: What do you call a Michigander with a degree?
A: A liar.

Q: Do you know why Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 40 players?
A: The rest know how to dress themselves.

The Game, more stuff

More on tOSU vs scUM

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A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the
seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?”

The man replied, “No, they’re all at the funeral.

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The Many faces of Mike Hart

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Q: Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A: To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

Q: Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
A: There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.

Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.

Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.

Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.

Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.

Q: How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning??
A: Take your foot off of their head."

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[ Here's to ya' scUMmers ! ! ! ]

___________________________________________________________________ A University of Michigan football player had suffered an injury and went to the team's physician. When asked what was the matter the player said, "Doc, I hurt all over!" Not believing this the doctor asked the player to show him where. The player touched his knee and said it hurt, he touched his side near his kidney and gave a groan, he touched his forehead and said it was painful, he touched his chest and gave a yelp because it was such a sharp pain! The doctor thought for a minute and then said, well young man...you are suffering from what we physicians refer to as a broken finger.

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Another from A.S.

[ I don't think wiping is necessary. ]

Well the researchers have found some new information that women should look at.

Perscription Time

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

800 Hundred Bucks

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

Walking Eagle

Two weeks ago, in upstate New York, Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Thanks Grandma

Grandma's Advice

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?