Summer

[bikinis]

[volleyball]

[coolers]

[Jessica Biel]

[Parties]

Give her a Hand

4 More, for the record

Oh, is that so now . . . .
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman.

The first man says, “Watch this…” He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?”

The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”

And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying."
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Moonshine:
When an Arkansas moonshiner who had been convicted a number of times before was again brought into the court, the judge told him sternly: "Before passing sentence, I want to tell you that you and your sons have given this court more trouble than anyone else in the entire state of Arkansas. Have you anything to say?"

"Well, Judge," said the old fellow, "I just want to say that we haven't given you any more trouble than you've given us."
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What's he Worth?
Fresh out of business school, the young accountant is being interviewed by a very nervous man in charge of a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly, I am looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?"

"I worry about a lot of things," explains the man. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," says the young accountant. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars! How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," says the owner, "is your first worry."
___________________________________________________________________

And Finally:
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 195 years old!"

Promises

3 More jokes

Woodpeckers:

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

___________________________________________________________________

RV Fun:

A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"


Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"

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The ol' farm joke:

A farmer down in South Georgia , had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
“How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass in the morning, they’re pregnant, if they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn’t get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

USRSF

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Alabama boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour , but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable> GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Pont Neuf Bridge in Toulouse, France.

This image has been sent in by "father of the sun"

Caption contest

[“Peter’s unusual physical attributes made him a hot prospect for the rural volunteer fire department”]

The Mind, Golfing, and Home Remedies

The Mind is Willing:

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
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Remedies that Work!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
____________________________________________________________________

Golfing With the Wife:

A man walked into the emergency room with a 9 iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor on duty says "Good Lord man! How did THAT happen?"

The man says "Well, my wife and I were out golfing when she sliced one into a cow pasture on the 7th hole. Being a considerate husband, I went to help her look for her ball. I'm stepping carefully around cow patties when I notice something white sticking out of a cows behind. I move closer and sure enough, it's a golf ball. That's when I made my mistake."

The doctor says "What was that?"

The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and said 'Honey, this one looks like yours!"

Oil and Dipsticks

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

_______________________________________________

.
.
.
Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in Washington,DC !!!



Any Questions ???
__________________________________________________________________
Submitted by the "Lord of the Sun"

1938 BUGATTI TYPE 57C ATALANTE COUPE

From the Japolink website:

Okay, not gonna lie, we're unabashed vintage Bugatti fans here at the Jalop. Given the era of their birth, they are invariably the fastest, most beautiful, most perfectly crafted and most utterly desirable cars in the collector's stratosphere. That said, at no time in history was an automaker so akin to an übermensch as was Bugatti during the 1930's. The storied Type 57 chassis was the fruit of experimentation by Jean Bugatti, the ill fated prodigal son. From this platform came some of the most beautiful cars of all time. This, lucky reader, is one of those cars. Stored since 1962, this 1938 Bugatti Type 57C Atalante Coupe, bodied by Gangloff of Colmar with Stelvio, is a masterpiece of craftsmanship and history. It will be offered for sale to the well-heeled public this coming June 3rd at the Greenwich Concours D'Elegance, with an expected haul of $300K-400K. (A mere pittance for art so rare.) Considering this automobile was 103,000 Francs when new, (we have no idea how that pans out with inflation due to Google failing at life) three to four hundred grand sounds like a steal. Needless to say, I wish that had been my barn. (Rear quarter shot after the leap.) – Ben Wojdyla

Now; what happened over the weekend:

0039 Lot details

1939 New York World's Fair French Pavilion displayed coachwork 1938 BUGATTI TYPE 57C ATALANTE COUPE Chassis No. 57766 Engine No. C57 Coachwork by Bugatti Two-tone black and yellow with beige lather interior Engine: 160bhp dual overhead camshaft inline

300,000 - 400,000 U.S. dollars

So the estimated price was . . . $300,000-$400,000 grand and the sales price was:

Lot39 . . . . . . . $852,500

The results page here . . .

Go fly a Kite

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
________________________________________

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_____________________________________________________

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
______________________________________________________
Finally; there is this . . . . . .

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Frank 'freakin' Feldman

The Amazing Frank Feldman

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer . Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually ! met Frank. I just married his f'ng widow."