Expendables Kill List

By the numbers


Via: Term Life Insurance

Time for some Risotto

- Cost of a bowl of soup, glory muffins and mushroom risotto at homeless shelter: $0.00 dollars

- Having Michelle Obama serve you your meal: $0.00 dollars

- Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving government-funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using their $500 BlackBerry cell phone: Priceless

U.S. Pole Dancing

Hey Ms. Jennyne Butterfly is the winner

Swine Flu update

This chart explains the issues behind the difficulty in finding those carriers of Swine Flu.

Kelly

"What the hell happened to you?!" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch with an arm in a sling.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? he's just a wee fellow," the bartender said.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord, didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said.

"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Economy 101

21 Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Yeah Wilie!

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday:

"I have outlived my pecker".

Give 'em Hell Al

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Naval Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed,

'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

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Damn Cheap Furniture

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Curtain Rods

Ahhh, Nothing like Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell

They tried everything;

1. Cleaning,
   
2. Mopping 
   
3. Airing the place out.
4. Vents were checked for dead rodents
   
5. Carpets were steam cleaned.
6. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
   
7. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days 
   
8. Finally, paying to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

Then the ex-wife called

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..........

And to the ex-wife, who he still wanted to screw over . . . .




they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Nice Trade

President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies:

"These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes,
and says:

"Excellent trade, Sir."

Looking Happy, and Old

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied . . .

. . . Ghosts? I said Ghosts?

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the belief in ghosts. He asks his students how many believed in ghosts. About 80 of his students raised their hands.

That's a good start.

How many of you who believe in ghosts have actually seen one? About 30 students raised their hands.

That's good, I'm really glad you are taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

About a dozen students raised their hands.

That's a great response, has anyone ever touched a ghost?

Two students raised their hands.

That's fantastic! but let me ask one more question...have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back of the class raised his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has actually claimed to have slept with a ghost, why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a grin and begins to make his way to the podium. The professor says, "well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "ghosts? oh... I thought you said goats!"

545 People

Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years.

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes..

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red .

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

A Modern Tale

Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

1. "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
   
2. you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
   
3. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; a
4. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

"Now give me back my dog."

Potentially vs. Realistically

The Story:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

Questioning:

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Pondering

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied,

'Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But . . . . .

'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

Drink up Now

Today we celebrate all things Irish, and we thank God for . . .

Guinness

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes and here is $250,000"

"Holy moses! Where did you get all this money!" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....I told you father, I became a prostitute! Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

____________________________________________________________________

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

____________________________________________________________________

On the first Thursday of the month at 830pm a man walks into the pub in Dublin.

He orders three pints and proceeds to drink them slowly. One drink at a time from each glass until all are empty.

Next month first Thursday he does the same thing. As the barkeep is pourning he suggests ordering the beer one at at time to preserve the freshness.

The man pulls out his wallet and shows the barkeep a picture of three men. He tells the barkeep that the man on the left is his younger brother who left Ireland for the US two years ago to try and make his fortune. The man on the right is his older brother who joined the service and is "away". They made a pact to go to whatever pub/bar in their area on the first Thursday of every month at 830 pm (their time) and have a commerative round "together"

Well this continues for some time until one day the man comes up to the bar, the barkeep asks if he will have the usual. The man tells the barkeep to only pour two pints.

The place goes quiet, the barkeep gives him his beers and says sincerely "I think I know what this means, son, I sympathize your loss"

The man looks at the barkeep, laughs and says no, he and his brothers are all fine, its just the Lent season and he gave up alcohol.

Laws in the 21st ca.

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner .

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act .

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers .

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire .

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time) .

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings .

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with .

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will .

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach .

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last .

The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold .

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers .

Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug .

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about .

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly .

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it .

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better . Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick .

Lincoln vs. Obama

Comparing Presidents

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
   
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
   
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
   
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
   
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.
   
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.