Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Democrats Words of Wisdom
Great Orators of the Democratic Party...
'One man with courage makes a majority.' - Andrew Jackson
'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt
'The buck stops here.' - Harry S. Truman
'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.' - John F. Kennedy
And for today's democrats...
'It depends what your definition of 'IS' is?' - Bill Clinton
'That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.' - Jesse Jackson
'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.' - John Edwards
'I invented the Internet' - Al Gore
'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***.' - Joe Biden
'America
is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what it was once
was...uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh
for my children.' '' - Barack Obama
'I have campaigned in all 57 states.' - Barack Obama
'You don't need God anymore, you have us democrats.' - Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)
'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.' - Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)
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Friday, December 12, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A MODERN PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering,while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to
- 4 steering supervisors,
- 3 area steering superintendents
- 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing
Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the
rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
Humiliated, the American management:
- Laid off the rower for poor performance
- Halted development of a new canoe
- Sold the paddles
- Canceled all capital investments for new equipment
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about:
- Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
- TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
- TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
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Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Marines, Happy Birthday
I come in peace, I didn't bring artillery. But I am pleading with you
with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all.
Marine General James Mattis, to Iraqi tribal leaders
Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a
difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.
Ronald Reagan, President of the United States; 1985
Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines
come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. They're
aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. They've got really
short hair and they always go for the throat.
RAdm. "Jay" R. Stark, USN; 10 November 1995
Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever?
GySgt. Daniel J. "Dan" Daly, USMC near Lucy-`le-Bocage as he led the 5th Marines' attack into Belleau Wood, 6 June 1918
You'll never get a Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole! Follow me!
Capt. Henry P. Crowe, USMC; Guadalcanal, 13 January 1943
You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the
point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth-
and the amusing thing about it is that they are.
Father Kevin Keaney
1st Marine Division Chaplain
Korean War
I am convinced that there is no smarter, handier, or more adaptable body of troops in the world.
Prime Minister of Britain, Sir Winston Churchill
"So they've got us surrounded, good! Now we can fire in any direction, those b*****ds won't get away this time!"
CHESTY PULLER, USMC
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Thursday, November 6, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
What you Missed from the Infomercial
"Boehner on voting Present"
"Now, listen, I've voted 'present' two or three times in my entire
25-year political career, where there might have been a conflict of
interest and I didn't feel like I should vote," Boehner said. "In
Congress, we have a red button, a green button and a yellow button,
alright. Green means 'yes,' red means 'no,' and yellow means you're a
chicken s***.
"And the last thing we need in the White House, in the oval office,
behind that big desk, is some chicken who wants to push this yellow
button."
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Friday, October 31, 2008
Some Smart Guys
“To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of
his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or
whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to
violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee
to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired
by it.” — Thomas Jefferson, letter to Joseph Milligan, April 6, 1816
“A wise and frugal government… shall restrain men from injuring one
another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits
of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor
the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government.” — Thomas
Jefferson, First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1801
“Congress has not unlimited powers to provide for the general welfare,
but only those specifically enumerated.” — Thomas Jefferson
“The moment the idea is admitted into society that property is not as
sacred as the laws of God, and that there is not a force of law and
public justice to protect it, anarchy and tyranny commence. If ‘Thou
shalt not covet’ and ‘Thou shalt not steal’ were not commandments of
Heaven, they must be made inviolable precepts in every society before
it can be civilized or made free.” — John Adams, A Defense of the
Constitutions of Government of the United States of America, 1787
“With respect to the two words ‘general welfare,’ I have always
regarded them as qualified by the detail of powers connected with them.
To take them in a literal and unlimited sense would be a metamorphosis
of the Constitution into a character which there is a host of proofs
was not contemplated by its creators.” — James Madison in a letter to
James Robertson
In 1794, when Congress appropriated $15,000 for relief of French
refugees who fled from insurrection in San Domingo to Baltimore and
Philadelphia, James Madison stood on the floor of the House to object
saying:
“I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the
Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects
of benevolence, the money of their constituents.” — James Madison, 4
Annals of Congress 179, 1794
“[T]he government of the United States is a definite government,
confined to specified objects. It is not like the state governments,
whose powers are more general. Charity is no part of the legislative
duty of the government.” — James Madison
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Thursday, September 25, 2008
Where am I????
Where Am I?A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
If Grandpa had a Website
Nice and simple with some scanned pages to sheare with his buddies at the plant.
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Finally, the question is answered
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off: grabs the sheet . . . rolls over . . . and says;
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".
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Aging, what a Bummer
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
whatever. You are hot and sweaty.... Covered in dirt or paint.
You have
your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in
crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair
of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement
project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to
help complete the job.
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you
never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the
checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands
and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a
shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running
the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to
cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and
a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird
thinking she is spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in
your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to
wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you
still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's
Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit
off your shoes. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think
someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.
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Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrghhh
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hurricane Ready
Hurricane Survival Kit
Toilet Paper.........................
Bud Light.........................
Keystone Ice...........................
Budweiser.....................
Red Dog...........................
Misc. other bottles of
Piece of plywood to float your old lady
and booze on........................
SCROLL DOWN
.
.
.
.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Ed Freeman
Ed Freeman
You're an 18 or 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded, and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley, 11-14-1965. LZ Xray, Vietnam. Your Infantry Unit is outnumbered 8 - 1, and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to st op coming in.
You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns, and you know you're not getting out. Your family is 1/2 way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again. As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.
Then, over the machine gun noise, you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter, and you look up to see a Huey, but it doesn't seem real, because no Medi-Vac markings are on it.
Ed Freeman is coming for you. He's not Medi-Vac, so it's not his job, but he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire, after the Medi-Vacs were ordered not to come.
He's coming anyway.
And he drops it in, and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 2 or 3 of you on board.
Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire, to the Doctors and Nurses.
And, he kept coming back...... 13 more times..... and took about 30 of you and your buddies out, who would never have gotten out.
Medal of Honor Recipient Ed Freeman died last Wednesday at the age of 80, in Boise, ID......May God rest his soul.....
Monday, August 4, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Pickles
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Chickens
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right
from day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road
But why it crossed I've not been told.
To die in the rain. Alone.
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the
other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting then went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken2008. This
new platform is extremely stable and will never crash.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
Did I miss one?
Where's my gun?
Is the Chicken black? - You know they say, dark meat is sweeter.
It's George Bushes fault that the chicken was homeless.
The chicken is being held down by the man and his oppressive practices.
We must start a dialogue with the chicken to better understand his
motives, once we reason with the chicken he will no longer wish to
cross the road. Chickens are inherently good.
It's much worse than reported. The innocent chicken was wandering across the road after being attacked by our troops.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Couple of so-so jokes.
SEX AFTER DEATH....
A COUPLE MADE A DEAL THAT WHOEVER DIED FIRST WOULD COME BACK AND INFORM THE OTHER OF THE AFTERLIFE. THEIR BIGGEST FEAR WAS THAT THERE WAS NO AFTERLIFE.
AFTER A LONG LIFE, THE HUSBAND WAS THE FIRST TO GO...AND TRUE TO HIS WORD, HE MADE CONTACT,...
"MARY...MARY."
IS THAT YOU, WENDELL?
YES, I'VE COME BACK LIKE WE AGREED.
WHAT'S IT LIKE?
WELL, MARY, I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I HAVE SEX. I HAVE BREAKFAST, OFF TO THE GOLF COURSE, I HAVE SEX. I BATHE IN THE SUN, AND THEN I HAVE SEX TWICE.
I HAVE LUNCH, ANOTHER ROMP AROUND THE GOLF COURSE, THEN SEX PRETTY MUCH ALL AFTERNOON. AFTER SUPPER, TO THE GOLF COURSE AGAIN; THEN I HAVE SEX UNTIL LATE AT NIGHT. THE NEXT DAY IT STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN.
OH, WENDELL...YOU SURELY MUST BE IN HEAVEN!
___________________________________________________________________
It Started Out
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my significant other about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau, Voltaire, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, 'What is it exactly we are doing here?' One day the boss called me in. He said, 'Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another place of employment.'
This gave me more to contemplate. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. 'Honey,' I confessed, 'I've been thinking...'
'I know you've been thinking,' she said, 'and I am leaving you!'
'But Honey, surely it's not that serious.'
'It is serious,' she said, lower lip aquiver. 'You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!'
'That's a faulty syllogism,' I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. 'I'm going to the library,' I snarled as I stomped out the door.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Microsoft . . .
Those lovely folks at microsoft:
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo.
He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target.
He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the
target area... "It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at
your end!"
________________________________________________________________________________________
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick
fogbank. He becomes disoriented, and flies blindly around until he
nearly runs into the top few floors of an office building. He recovers
in time to avoid crashing, and manages to get the attention of a woman
sitting at her desk.
"Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
"Thank you." says the pilot.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns
through the dense fog, and then does a perfect landing at the
Seattle-Tacoma airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you figure out where you
were?" "Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was
absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft technical
support."
Monday, May 12, 2008
Living the Under-employed life
Artie speaks:
Hey crackernuts, how's it hanging?
Well I got shit-canned from my cushy cubicle job 'cause I spen too much time oogling the young broads and the college intern chickee's in the building.
Hell how did I know they were gonna pop me for sticking the camera up there like that. or taking pictures when they were licking their swizzle sticks. you know . . . those little wood pieces of shit-for their coffee . . . speaking of wood.
Anyway, I'm now a frickin' consultant, and i work when i want, hell I even set at the typewriter naked-thinking about little wooden swizzle sticks. Take that you pompous suit wearing office wankers,
Freelancer . . . . . . . . that's me suckers, now you can all kiss my ass.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Hey, hey you, lookie here . . .
[ Listen up Shitheads . . . ]
This is Artie speakin' and you like need to check out this really cool-ass site to make you're pics look old. Even when their not old.
Understand?
Well then get crackin' numbnuts.
How does it work, your askin'? Shheeeeeeejusss dumbass, put your image in the little whit box and then click the pretty baby blue box below.
Now I gotta go choke down a 40 . . . any of you lamenut pukes got a smoke?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
3 More for the Mud Gang
Roger was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
____________________________________________________________________
An oldie but a goodie – worth publishing:
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes; that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from
The other guy answers, "I'm from
The first guy responds, "So am I!"
"Mother Mary and begora; And what street did you live on in
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!"
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
____________________________________________________________________
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"Hi....My name is Carmen", she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer"...............
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Questions That Must Be Answered
Questions That Must Be Answered
1. Can you cry underwater?
2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
3. What disease did cured ham actually have?
4. If a deaf person has to go to court, it is still called a hearing?
5. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
6. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
7. If the "Professor" on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in the boat?
8. Do the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
9. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The strippers are the Boss
[photo courtesy of Reuters.]
It had to happen sooner or later, the strippers bought the Lusty Lady in San Francisco(I'm not surprised) and run the place by "committee's", ha! what a crock. This place is gonna bomb right on it's ass . . . someday.
One of the first things the dancers did was to toss out rules about
maintaining the same body type as the day they were hired, and ones
regarding height-weight proportion. A list of acceptable hair colors
was scrapped, along with a policy regulating the quantity and location
of tattoos.
Great, it's gonna be a strip joint full of fat, hairy, smelly old broads some day, woohoo!
To me this says it all the final paragraph from the story.
"On a good day, it's like Peter Pan," said Lili Marlene. "On a bad day,
it was like Lord of the Flies. We can do whatever we want, and there's
nobody to tell us what to do."
Strippers as their own boss, hehe, ha! The world is gong to hell in a hand-basket.
An aside; if you go to this page for some pics of the "Lusties" to ooogle over, or to uh, well you know.
Guess what?
There are none. uh, huh . . . somehow I am not surprised.
Spammer name?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Woman Loses Baby in Toilet
AHMEDABAD, India (Reuters) - A newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself on Tuesday.
"My delivery was so sudden," said the Bhuri Kalbi, the mother of the infant, born two months prematurely. "I did not even realize that my child had slipped from the hole in the toilet."
Kalbi, a 33-year-old woman from a village in Rajasthan, fainted on the toilet seat after the birth for a few minutes before waking up and alerting her family.
"They stopped the train and ran on the tracks to find the baby," she said, speaking from her hospital bed in the western city of Ahmedabad.
Railway staff at a nearby station were alerted and soon found the newborn girl lying uninjured on pebbles by the track. She is now in intensive care because of her premature birth, doctors said.
Most toilets on Indian trains are filthy chutes emptying directly onto the tracks.
(Reporting by Rupam Jain Nair; Editing by Jonathan Allen and Sugita Katyal)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
A couple
NAG NAG NAG!An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him; 'What time of night is this to be getting home ? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured a shot of whiskey for himself and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Super Bowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Damn Ape . . . .
Two rather attractive young nuns (OK, one
of them was a spectacular beauty) on a holiday in New York City were
standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla
took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the
ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened
the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and
dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said, “We shall never
talk about this, agreed?” The other young nun agreed.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed
close friends, were having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second
nun asked her friend,” I know I agreed never to talk about the event at
the zoo but I have one question.”
The other nun stared and said, “Okay, one question.”
The other nun stammered, then asked, “Did it hurt?”
“Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called, he never phoned, and he never sent flowers!”
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Thursday, January 24, 2008
Paying Taxes
Ten men go out for beer. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. He said, "Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80."
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men -- the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay!
And so:
- The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
- The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
- The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
- The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
- The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
- The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"
"That's true!!"shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2 ? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up any more. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Backyards, Ralp, Edna, and Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
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______________________________________________________________________________________Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
