AGING
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing
the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
whatever. You are hot and sweaty.... Covered in dirt or paint.
You have
your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in
crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair
of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement
project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to
help complete the job.
Depending on your age, you might do the following:
In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you
never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the
checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
register.
In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands
and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a
shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running
the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to
cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and
a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in
the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird
thinking she is spicy.
In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in
your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to
wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you
still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's
Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.
In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit
off your shoes. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.
In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.
In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think
someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.
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