Sandwich

Pickles

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Chickens

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right
from day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

Dr. Phil:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road

But why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the
other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting then went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken2008. This
new platform is extremely stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

DON IMUS:

Is the Chicken black? - You know they say, dark meat is sweeter.

NANCY PELOSI:

It's George Bushes fault that the chicken was homeless.

JESSE JACKSON:

The chicken is being held down by the man and his oppressive practices.

JIMMY CARTER:

We must start a dialogue with the chicken to better understand his
motives, once we reason with the chicken he will no longer wish to
cross the road. Chickens are inherently good.

JOHN MURTHA:

It's much worse than reported. The innocent chicken was wandering across the road after being attacked by our troops.