Golf balls and French Women.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, obviously thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow or frozen shoulder?"
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The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war- weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down?I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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Gaylord Perry

In the early 60's, pitcher Gaylord Perry was asked if he had ever had a home run. He replied that "Men will walk on the moon before I ever hit a homer"

On the day that Niel Armstrong first stepped on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only home run of his professional career...

3 'fer

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
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A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,"I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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.. An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

The talking Dog

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

$50.00 bucks

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
.. .. .. "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two ! Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00"

Coincidence, . . . . or not? (2)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs. "


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

Anger mgmt.

One day the wife and I were discussing anger management.

And I asked her, ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’

She said, ‘I clean the toilet bowl.’

I asked, ‘How does that help?’

She said, ‘I use your toothbrush'

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