Dave Knows Everyone

Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go

upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

George Orwell had it right

[From Military Motivator]

Joketime, again . . .

Subject: Drinking with a Redneck Girl:

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.

"The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America

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A pig with three medals around his neck and a peg leg is seated at the dinner table with a farmer, his family and a guest . Intrigued, the guest asks about the animal .

"He's special," the farmer says .

"The first medal is from when he swam to save our youngest son from drowning . The second is from when he pulled our daughter from a burning barn . And the third is for pushing our other son out of the way of a combine ."

"Wow," the guest says . "That explains the medals , but what about the peg leg ?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig like that - you just hate to eat him all at once ."
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fookin dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to The pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another ardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fookin hengliding!"

Bill responds

From the guy up North:

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

"I'll kill you! You@#$!&&*%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone would en joy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies,

"Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch".

CTS-------- Solution

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Solution

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To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.

Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.

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A.S. sounds off . . .

[A.S. says; "toothpaste . . . why bother ]

Patriots in Iraq

A great read about our soldiers in Iraq, a great read . . . .

"I recently attended a showing of "Superman 3" here at LSA Anaconda.

We have a large auditorioum we use for movies as well as memorial services
and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and
snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.

All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the
National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in
the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude
comments, and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here, the 1,000 Soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed &
forward. The music started again. The Soldiers continued to quietly stand at
attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you
expect to happen? Even here I would imagine laughter as everyone sat down and expected the movie to start.

Here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every Soldier stood at attention.
Suddenly there was a lone voice, then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand Soldiers

'And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?'

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to
know what kind of Soldiers are serving you here.

Written by Chapl ain Ji m Higgins on 5/14/07. LSA Anaconda is at the
Balad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad"

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Whether you agree or dis-agree, these are great men and women, speaking of . . .

Just Because . . .

[A.S. says; "I don't think wipin' is necessary . . ." ]