Blockheads 56: February 2007

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Don't make 'em like this anymore.

. . . link . . .

Chicks with Guns:

Earlier it was chimps with guns, now this:

These were found at a great image site . . .

Monday, February 26, 2007

Sunday, February 25, 2007

A Afghani Rambo with huge cajones:

Rambo, Afghani style:

A New Rambo, but the Same Ending

Suicide attacks dominate the headlines, but here's one that didn't happen. A U.S. Army officer in Afghanistan reports that last month a suicide bomber drove an explosive-laden Toyota Corolla up to an Army base in Kabul, where an Afghan nicknamed "Rambo" was guarding the gate. Rambo wears an Army-style uniform but isn't allowed to pack heat, so he uses a big red pipe, which he sometimes slams on car hoods to slow them down. Anyway, as the suicide bomber approached, he got hung up in the gate. Rambo reached into the window and yanked the bomber out before he could detonate the explosives. Rambo's reward: Troops passed a hat and handed him a wad of cash.

Perfect Explanation for Internet Idiots:

[courtesy of the Penny Arcade]

Women drinking Tea?!?

and another:

Site actually devoted to this whole thing?/?idea.

Look out!!! radiation . . .

The new symbol, info right here . . . .

With radiating waves, a skull and crossbones and a running person, a new ionizing radiation warning symbol is being introduced to supplement the traditional international symbol for radiation, the three cornered trefoil.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Hey Chimps got weapons!

If Chuck was with it, he better watch out. Can Dr. Cornelius be far behind? It could happen sooner than we think.

courtesy broken crow.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Britney Spears-easy target

Man this is some funny stuff, Britney Spears is the target of the hour:

From a photo shop contest, there are some funny ones there. A easy target.

Then there's this, which is not photo-shopped:

Looney-bin time.

How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up

I knew this one:

Didn't know this one:

Where this pic calls home, some Ohio dude.

But this is the best one:

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Poor attempt at humor . . .

What do you call a minister on drugs ?

A Crystal Methodist . ---TB

[fine job]

Oswego: no way in hell would I live there . . . NY

Monday, February 19, 2007

That's Once!!!!!

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at a ny drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Love - after 50 years of marriage

Love - after 50 years of marriage

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well." Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Know Your Tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "You
sh!t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.
(an aside) any tool used by Jack Bauer to extract information,
or even his weapon as he shoots un-named bad guy whilst yelling Dammit!

1973 v 2006

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1973- Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006- Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006- Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ ++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1973- Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

++++++++++++ +++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973- Ants die.

2006- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

++++++++++++ +++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973- In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Marisa Miller, one more Time

[This is not from the Sports Illustrated series.]

Marisa Miller

Wow; photo' courtesy of Sports Illustrated:

The Apple of our eye:

Doesn't take a bad picture:

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Odds of Dying

None of us get out of this alive:

Link to site

The All Important Ability to Eat Fries

A travel report by Tom B.:

I recently took a road trip which started in Akron , Ohio and took me all the way to Phoenix , Arizona . It was the second ( almost ) cross-country trip I had taken in 2006 . To make this one different , and to keep myself alert , I decided while still in Akron to count how many McDonald's there are along the way . The trip starts 76W to 71S to Louisville , KY , 65S to Nashville , TN , and 40W to Arizona . I took some back roads in Arizona , so I actually counted only one there . Here is the count for the other states I drove through ;

You will see 14 "sets" of golden arches in Ohio . Starting with the ones in Wadsworth .
If you get hungry while driving through Kentucky , there are 20 Micky D's to choose from .
Tennessee offers 15 opportunities to grab a Big Mac while driving through .
If you are looking for a McDonald's drive-through , drive through Arkansas , where you will find 16 of them .
Oklahoma is OK . But OK is not good enough , because they only have 15 McDonald's along I40 .
It doesn't take long to drive across the panhandle of Texas , but if you get hungry you can stop at any of the 6 McDonald's there .
And finally , New Mexico is hanging in there with 12 McDonald's along the way to Arizona .